Friday, January 14, 2011

Letter to Nathan

 Dear Nate,

Do you know how much I love you?  If you were here to answer me, you'd say, "Big Much!!", and hold your arms as wide as you can.  And you know what? You'd be exactly right.

Tonight you were so sad because you missed Daddy.  He is working so hard right now to provide for our family.  He works hard all day, and then refs high school basketball games all night.  Oftentimes, you are asleep when he gets home, so there are days when you only see him in the mornings.  It has been a huge sacrifice for you, and this week has been particularly difficult.  Daddy has been gone every night this week.  He has been traveling to distant high school games, and hasn't been home at night to rough-house with you.  He always makes a point to hug and kiss you when he comes home, even if though you are asleep and don't know he is there.  My heart broke as I heard you crying in your room tonight.  When I went to check on you, you told me that you needed your Daddy.  I found it interesting that you didn't say 'want', but 'need'.  I am so grateful that you need him.  I need him too. So I crawled into your bed with you and we made a quick phone call to see if Dad was on his way home.  Luckily, he had finished with his game, so you were able to visit with him for a few minutes.  And then you cried yourself to sleep while curled up next to me. 

I love who you are right now.  I admire your sweet personality.  I love your tenderness with me.  You compliment me all the time, telling me that you like my hair, or you think my necklace is pretty, or you even whisper in my ear that I am the cutest mom you have ever seen.  Wow.  I am in awe at your sweetness. I never could have imagined that a four year old could be so genuinely sweet.  Today you came and gave me a random hug, then ran off again to play.  These are the most precious moments to me as your mother. I hope never to forget them.

Although I love your brother very much, I understand why parents cannot love each child the exact same. You are individuals, and I have individual love for each of you.  I will have a bond with you that I can never have with any other child, because you made me a Mother first.  Your birthmother, Mandi was the biggest part of that blessing.  She made the ultimate, most difficult and painful decision for you.  She changed your life, but she mostly changed mine.  You changed my life in ways I could never have imagined.

Do you know what you mean to me?  Do you know that my heart aches for you sometimes after you have gone to bed?  Do you know that I pray for you everyday?  Do you know that I thank our Heavenly Father every single day for your blessed Mandi?  Do you know how much she loves you still?
Will you always be my little Nater Tater, even when you're grown?  Will you still let me call you 'My Baby'?  Because no matter how tall you get or how old you may become, I will always be your mother.  And even if it embarasses you, I will hug you in front of your friends when you're a teenager.  I hope you won't mind too much.

I love you Big Much...and my arms stretch wider than yours.

Hugs and Kisses to you tonight and always,



Holly said...


this is so sweet and tender, made me tear up. :)

Michael and Kylie said...

I love your boys. They sure are special.

Deanna said...

How precious!

Brittany@Love Stitched said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and introducing yourself to me! You are such an inspiring woman! I loved looking through your blog!! :)

SaMmY fAy said...

dearest amanda.
my name is samantha taylor im 22 and i am currently on a mission now in brazil recife.. i am from eagar, az but i found your blog through Wanessa Costa on facebook. Anyway. i really just wanted to tell you how special your stories are to me.they are very inspiring and heart touching.i feel i know you personally. i wanted to really say that i loveed the letter you wrote to your son i havent any kids. but i have 4 nephews and nieces and i just thought of them as i read this. i miss my family dearly but im nearly done now i have 8 more months to go but i was as curious to know if i could add you to my blog list and if desired you could do the same from me. With love Sister Samantha Taylor

Candis Schow said...

Hi! I'm so glad I found your blog! We are adopting and have been selected by a birth mom who wants a very open adoption. Would you mind emailing me so I could ask you a few questions? I just need some guidance and you have such perspective from both sides. My email address is